Remember when I used to maintain a blog? Yeah...
I miss that. Every month or so I think about it and want to post something, but then I invariably get frustrated and give up (within about 5 seconds of the original thought). I think a big reason is that, on the one hand, I've given relatively few people access to this blog, and I don't think any of those people even read it anymore (especially since there's now nothing to read) so it just kind of feels like "Eh, what's the point--no one reads this anyway." But I hesitate to make it too public, as I am a chronic over-sharer. What to do, what to do...
Eh, it's not REALLY a dilemma. I dunno...mumblegrumblemumble.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"I'm an Animal" by Neko Case
You could say it's my instinct--yes, I still have one. There's no time to second-guess it.
Yes, there are things that I'm still so afraid of, but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun...
I'm an animal. You're an animal, too.
Pick up that rock, drink from that lake.
I do my best, but I'm made of mistakes.
Yes, there are things that I'm still quite sure of: I love you this hour--this hour today--and heaven will smell like the airport...
.
Yes, there are things that I'm still so afraid of, but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun...
I'm an animal. You're an animal, too.
Pick up that rock, drink from that lake.
I do my best, but I'm made of mistakes.
Yes, there are things that I'm still quite sure of: I love you this hour--this hour today--and heaven will smell like the airport...
.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Boring, Ill-Spoken (and Trite) Thoughts on Love and Needyness and Other Lame Things
It is frustrating, yet at once somehow rewarding, that nothing you can say about love has not been said before. It has been said. It has beaten in many hearts and been poured out in every language, every day for mankind's humble thousands of years. It's like a universal celebration--the pinnacle of the magic of humanity.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Oft have I lamented of late that I am so needy and demanding (at least as I see it). I think back to last summer, when talking to him online was a daily joy, and a carefree one at that. It was a perk, though it was rapidly becoming more than that. But now, it is an all-out need. When we went to TN for Paige's wedding I didn't have any contact with him for 3 days and then didn't have a substantial conversation with him for 3 days after that. By the end of that nearly week-long period, I was stressed out, insecure, and melancholy. I kept grasping at straws, trying to pinpoint the problem that was making me feel so anxious about our relationship. Very late on the 6th day we finally spent some time together (albeit online, sadly), and we laughed and conversed and engaged, and it was wonderful. The next day there were no problems; there was no stress. I guess I just needed him, and that need had been answered.
It's a startling awakening, and one that will take some time getting used to.
It makes me feel afraid. I love all the ways I feel about him, including the way I need him, but many past experiences have taught me that needing people drives them away, and it's hard to shake the residual anxiety.
How do you get used to needing someone? I have spent so much time perfecting my independence. I have zero qualms selling it in a heartbeat in exchange for a life with this man--that's not the part that frightens me. It's the...I guess the vulnerability. (Hah. Truly, there is nothing new under the sun.) I am so afraid that I will drive him away by craving him too fiercely, adoring him too poignantly, wanting to love him too intensively. Logically, I know that I won't (as much as one can know anything, that is). His reassurances are as complete as my trust in him. But still, the instinctive push from the gut is ever-present, warning me to hold back, lest I single-handedly ruin everything.
I don't know. This is a lot of work, and I love it. Every difficult conversation, even the ones that have put me in tears, have something underneath them that is overwhelmingly good. I do not begrudge the effort--not in the least. There are problems now that will surely abate when the distance no longer stands between us, but I know very well that season after season will present problems anew. I welcome the challenges. They are part and parcel with a beauty and deep-seated happiness like I have never known.
.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Oft have I lamented of late that I am so needy and demanding (at least as I see it). I think back to last summer, when talking to him online was a daily joy, and a carefree one at that. It was a perk, though it was rapidly becoming more than that. But now, it is an all-out need. When we went to TN for Paige's wedding I didn't have any contact with him for 3 days and then didn't have a substantial conversation with him for 3 days after that. By the end of that nearly week-long period, I was stressed out, insecure, and melancholy. I kept grasping at straws, trying to pinpoint the problem that was making me feel so anxious about our relationship. Very late on the 6th day we finally spent some time together (albeit online, sadly), and we laughed and conversed and engaged, and it was wonderful. The next day there were no problems; there was no stress. I guess I just needed him, and that need had been answered.
It's a startling awakening, and one that will take some time getting used to.
It makes me feel afraid. I love all the ways I feel about him, including the way I need him, but many past experiences have taught me that needing people drives them away, and it's hard to shake the residual anxiety.
How do you get used to needing someone? I have spent so much time perfecting my independence. I have zero qualms selling it in a heartbeat in exchange for a life with this man--that's not the part that frightens me. It's the...I guess the vulnerability. (Hah. Truly, there is nothing new under the sun.) I am so afraid that I will drive him away by craving him too fiercely, adoring him too poignantly, wanting to love him too intensively. Logically, I know that I won't (as much as one can know anything, that is). His reassurances are as complete as my trust in him. But still, the instinctive push from the gut is ever-present, warning me to hold back, lest I single-handedly ruin everything.
I don't know. This is a lot of work, and I love it. Every difficult conversation, even the ones that have put me in tears, have something underneath them that is overwhelmingly good. I do not begrudge the effort--not in the least. There are problems now that will surely abate when the distance no longer stands between us, but I know very well that season after season will present problems anew. I welcome the challenges. They are part and parcel with a beauty and deep-seated happiness like I have never known.
.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
After Years of Holding My Breath
With Sean:
I wanted to be a voice of intelligence and reason in an often confused and frustrating humanity. I wanted to be exciting, inspirational, a mistress of many adventures. I wanted to be a force of validation and expansion. I wanted to be strong: a bastion of conviction, steadfastness, and thereby of comfort. I wanted to be a proof of good.
I was too willing to lead.
What I got from him was emotional irresponsibility, an inability to perceive and apply with empathy, and a cowardice mixed with well-meaning ambivalence. His well-meaning yielded more uselessness than anything.
With David:
I wanted to be tough, a quick-witted tomboy with a scathing wit. I wanted to be a blade of reason, master over the absurdity--supposed or otherwise--of effeminate emotions. I wanted to be a hardy companion for the challenges of nature, sport, and play. I wanted to be impressive in my knowledge. I wanted to be surprising. I wanted to be the other piece that he needed, to bend (and happily!) to the role of wife that he would require.
I was too willing to be led.
What I got from him was infatuation: a short-lived smattering of emotion that confused our interactions, bred frustration and lofty false hopes, and met its end in a flood of discourse. Fortunately, what remained in the aftermath was a sturdy, unblinking friendship.
With Josh:
I don't want to be anything, because I don't have to want to be anything. I get to be all of the things I wanted to be with everyone else, but I don't have to want to be them. My self is a body of dynamic liberation, and I am easy, and I am loved.
I am loved.
I am whatever I want to be, effortlessly (how novel!), and for it I am loved.
.
I wanted to be a voice of intelligence and reason in an often confused and frustrating humanity. I wanted to be exciting, inspirational, a mistress of many adventures. I wanted to be a force of validation and expansion. I wanted to be strong: a bastion of conviction, steadfastness, and thereby of comfort. I wanted to be a proof of good.
I was too willing to lead.
What I got from him was emotional irresponsibility, an inability to perceive and apply with empathy, and a cowardice mixed with well-meaning ambivalence. His well-meaning yielded more uselessness than anything.
With David:
I wanted to be tough, a quick-witted tomboy with a scathing wit. I wanted to be a blade of reason, master over the absurdity--supposed or otherwise--of effeminate emotions. I wanted to be a hardy companion for the challenges of nature, sport, and play. I wanted to be impressive in my knowledge. I wanted to be surprising. I wanted to be the other piece that he needed, to bend (and happily!) to the role of wife that he would require.
I was too willing to be led.
What I got from him was infatuation: a short-lived smattering of emotion that confused our interactions, bred frustration and lofty false hopes, and met its end in a flood of discourse. Fortunately, what remained in the aftermath was a sturdy, unblinking friendship.
With Josh:
I don't want to be anything, because I don't have to want to be anything. I get to be all of the things I wanted to be with everyone else, but I don't have to want to be them. My self is a body of dynamic liberation, and I am easy, and I am loved.
I am loved.
I am whatever I want to be, effortlessly (how novel!), and for it I am loved.
.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Troilus and Cressida
But on the other hand, the sturdy oak,
On which have been delivered many a blow,
Receives at last the happy falling stroke,
And all at once the whole tree down doth go,
Like heavy rocks or millstones falling low;
For things of weight come down with swifter flight
When they descend, than do things that are light.
A reed that lowly bows before the blast,
After the wind again will lightly rise.
But not so when an oak-tree down is cast--
Of course you see what this exemplifies.
One should take pleasure in an enterprise
Of pith and moment placed beyond a doubt,
Though it took time to bring it all about. (94)
***************
Cressida in his arms thus boldly taken,
As all wise clerks have said in books of old,
Shook like an aspen leaf by breezes shaken,
As his strong arms about her body fold;
And Troilus, all freed of care so cold,
Gave thanks to those bright gods, glorious seven--
In sundry ways thus folk are brought to heaven. (154)
***************
These happy two, whose joys I've been reporting,
Who now at last in love were so secure,
They fell to talking, and in playful sporting
They told how, when and where they first were sure
They knew each other, and how they did endure
The griefs now passed; for all that might annoy
This night was turned at last to perfect joy! (161)
***************
"Believe me well that neither vain delight,
Nor royal rank, nor yet the high respect
Of you in war, or in the tourney fight,
Nor pomp, nor wealth, nor dress, did aught affect
My heart, and thy sole image there erect--
No, moral virtue, firmly set and true,
That was the reason why I first loved you.
"The gentle heart and manhood that you had,
And nobly cherished, ever in despite
Of all things leaning to the low and bad,
All coarseness and all vulgar appetite,
So that your reason bridled your delight--
For this I was above all others yours,
And shall be so, as long as life endures.
"Through length of years my love I'll not forsake,
Nor Fortune, mutable, shall e'er deface
My heart! But Jupiter, who well can make
The wretched glad, give us the happy grace
To meet again in ten nights in this place;
But now, alas, how swift the hour flies!
Farewell, dear heart, for now you must rise."
'Tis thus they end their long lamentings sad,
And kiss, and each in other's arms enfold;
But daylight breaks, and Troilus now clad,
Full sadly doth his lady's face behold,
As one who feels the breath of death so cold,
And with a grief that heavy on him bore,
Of last goodbyes he said to her a score.
I doubt if any head imagine can,
Or judgment weigh, or any tongue could tell
The cruel anguish of this woeful man,
Surpassing all the torments dire of hell;
Since with his lady he no more may dwell,
His heart perturbed and dark with dread portent,
Forth from her chamber, silently he went. (238)
*****************
To bed he goes, and tosses there and turns...
...And to himself these sorrowing words he spoke:
"Oh where is now my lovely lady dear?
Where are her breasts so white, O where, O where?
Where are her arms and where her eyes so clear,
Which yesternight were solace to my care?
Now I must weep alone in dark despair,
And blindly grope, but nothing in this place,
Except a pillow, find I to embrace!
..."And how shall I for ten whole days survive,
If the first night suffer all this pain?
And how shall she, my sweetheart, keep alive?
How shall her tender heart such woe sustain?
What sorry signs of grief must still remain
Imprinted on her fair and gracious face
Until time brings her back unto this place!" (250)
*****************
"But Troilus, I pray thee, tell me now,
Do you believe that any such delight
In love a living man hath known as thou?
Why, yes, God knows! And many a worthy wight
Has lacked his lady for a whole fortnight,
And hath not made one half the stir and fuss!
Why must you then be so tempestuous?
"For you yourself, on any day, may see,
How one must leave his lady-love or wife,
Through some compulsion or necessity,
Though she were dear to him as his own life,
Yet will not make such great to-do and strife;
For one takes such things as one takes the weather,
The best of friends can't always be together.
..."Hard hit such lovers are, but take it soft,
For hope survives to hold their hearts aloft;
Their needful time of sorrow they endure,
For time brings sorrow, and brings sorrow's cure.
"So take things as they come and let time slide,
And cultivate a joyous heart and light!
Ten days is not so long a time to bide.
For her return she pledged her honor bright,
And I am sure that she will come all right;
You need not fear but she will find a way,
I'm quite prepared my life on that to lay." (255)
*******************
On which have been delivered many a blow,
Receives at last the happy falling stroke,
And all at once the whole tree down doth go,
Like heavy rocks or millstones falling low;
For things of weight come down with swifter flight
When they descend, than do things that are light.
A reed that lowly bows before the blast,
After the wind again will lightly rise.
But not so when an oak-tree down is cast--
Of course you see what this exemplifies.
One should take pleasure in an enterprise
Of pith and moment placed beyond a doubt,
Though it took time to bring it all about. (94)
***************
Cressida in his arms thus boldly taken,
As all wise clerks have said in books of old,
Shook like an aspen leaf by breezes shaken,
As his strong arms about her body fold;
And Troilus, all freed of care so cold,
Gave thanks to those bright gods, glorious seven--
In sundry ways thus folk are brought to heaven. (154)
***************
These happy two, whose joys I've been reporting,
Who now at last in love were so secure,
They fell to talking, and in playful sporting
They told how, when and where they first were sure
They knew each other, and how they did endure
The griefs now passed; for all that might annoy
This night was turned at last to perfect joy! (161)
***************
"Believe me well that neither vain delight,
Nor royal rank, nor yet the high respect
Of you in war, or in the tourney fight,
Nor pomp, nor wealth, nor dress, did aught affect
My heart, and thy sole image there erect--
No, moral virtue, firmly set and true,
That was the reason why I first loved you.
"The gentle heart and manhood that you had,
And nobly cherished, ever in despite
Of all things leaning to the low and bad,
All coarseness and all vulgar appetite,
So that your reason bridled your delight--
For this I was above all others yours,
And shall be so, as long as life endures.
"Through length of years my love I'll not forsake,
Nor Fortune, mutable, shall e'er deface
My heart! But Jupiter, who well can make
The wretched glad, give us the happy grace
To meet again in ten nights in this place;
But now, alas, how swift the hour flies!
Farewell, dear heart, for now you must rise."
'Tis thus they end their long lamentings sad,
And kiss, and each in other's arms enfold;
But daylight breaks, and Troilus now clad,
Full sadly doth his lady's face behold,
As one who feels the breath of death so cold,
And with a grief that heavy on him bore,
Of last goodbyes he said to her a score.
I doubt if any head imagine can,
Or judgment weigh, or any tongue could tell
The cruel anguish of this woeful man,
Surpassing all the torments dire of hell;
Since with his lady he no more may dwell,
His heart perturbed and dark with dread portent,
Forth from her chamber, silently he went. (238)
*****************
To bed he goes, and tosses there and turns...
...And to himself these sorrowing words he spoke:
"Oh where is now my lovely lady dear?
Where are her breasts so white, O where, O where?
Where are her arms and where her eyes so clear,
Which yesternight were solace to my care?
Now I must weep alone in dark despair,
And blindly grope, but nothing in this place,
Except a pillow, find I to embrace!
..."And how shall I for ten whole days survive,
If the first night suffer all this pain?
And how shall she, my sweetheart, keep alive?
How shall her tender heart such woe sustain?
What sorry signs of grief must still remain
Imprinted on her fair and gracious face
Until time brings her back unto this place!" (250)
*****************
"But Troilus, I pray thee, tell me now,
Do you believe that any such delight
In love a living man hath known as thou?
Why, yes, God knows! And many a worthy wight
Has lacked his lady for a whole fortnight,
And hath not made one half the stir and fuss!
Why must you then be so tempestuous?
"For you yourself, on any day, may see,
How one must leave his lady-love or wife,
Through some compulsion or necessity,
Though she were dear to him as his own life,
Yet will not make such great to-do and strife;
For one takes such things as one takes the weather,
The best of friends can't always be together.
..."Hard hit such lovers are, but take it soft,
For hope survives to hold their hearts aloft;
Their needful time of sorrow they endure,
For time brings sorrow, and brings sorrow's cure.
"So take things as they come and let time slide,
And cultivate a joyous heart and light!
Ten days is not so long a time to bide.
For her return she pledged her honor bright,
And I am sure that she will come all right;
You need not fear but she will find a way,
I'm quite prepared my life on that to lay." (255)
*******************
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
This Attempt Extinguished by Many Long Days
I don't even know where to begin.
I could say a hundred things, but I don't know if I want to.
I've worked all day, and I'm very tired.
Still, I want to write. This semester has been busy beyond belief: full to the point of chronic sleep deprivation with events and obligations and thoughts. My GOODNESS, the never-ending THOUGHTS. Stress and wonderment have wracked my brain. For four months I have been in a state of perpetual exertion.
*Sigh* I've sat for at least twenty minutes trying to will myself to make something of this entry. Thoughts are flying through my head, and my exhausted state will have none of it. I can't find the energy even to synthesize my thoughts into arbitrary chains of words, let alone actual sentences.
Suffice it to say, I am tired (always), but I am very, very happy.
.
I could say a hundred things, but I don't know if I want to.
I've worked all day, and I'm very tired.
Still, I want to write. This semester has been busy beyond belief: full to the point of chronic sleep deprivation with events and obligations and thoughts. My GOODNESS, the never-ending THOUGHTS. Stress and wonderment have wracked my brain. For four months I have been in a state of perpetual exertion.
*Sigh* I've sat for at least twenty minutes trying to will myself to make something of this entry. Thoughts are flying through my head, and my exhausted state will have none of it. I can't find the energy even to synthesize my thoughts into arbitrary chains of words, let alone actual sentences.
Suffice it to say, I am tired (always), but I am very, very happy.
.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Visceral Pause
Walking with one of my best friends on a leash at my side, marveling at Fall's colors, I suddenly stop dead and squeeze my eyes shut, wincing at beautiful love-soaked memories that haven't even been made yet. Emotional pleasure-pain like a flood through my gut. I open my eyes. We continue.
.
.
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